


If Only

by virtuemoirlike (katya_kool)



Series: there are no happy endings 'verse [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 10:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14042652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katya_kool/pseuds/virtuemoirlike
Summary: He wishes that they could get a happy ending, but that's not how life works.





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is definitely more angsty then my other fic, which, by the way, you should also check out. Just to clarify, they are not connected at all, because that wouldn't make sense for this fic. So, don't expect this to be a prequel or something, they are unrelated. I just needed a little break because I wasn't feeling inspired for that one. I should still update that within a couple days though! Alright, hope you all like it.

There is no happy ending. Not for them.

That’s simple, and unrealistic, but nobody gets it.

They assume they’re lying about their relationship status, analyzing their brief touches and pauses and everything and he just wants it to stop. To just _stop. It’s not what you think_ he wants to scream. _You think I don’t get it? You think I don’t do it too?_

It’s because they don’t know.

They don’t know the sleepless nights, the awkward conversations, the ‘we don’t have to play this game anymore, there’s no cameras.’ When he’s in his bed, wide awake because she’s all he can think about. She always had him wrapped her finger, and it’s biting him in the ass.

They’re confused? Frankly, so is he.

He tries to do the right thing, he always does, but it’s never right, not for her. He’s either rough and obviously off or too infatuated. It’s never right.

They go around and around in circles and there’s no fucking end in sight.

_This isn’t fair._

_This isn’t fair._

But that’s how life works.

 

_There are no happy endings._

 

All of the interviews drum into his head. The flirty ones, the stoic ones, it doesn’t matter. There’s enough clips of them over the years, plus all the fan videos.

_Nous ne sommes pas un couple._

When they’re on Ellen, and she shushes him and waves him off, when he just wanted to say that he didn’t know either. He’s confused as the rest of the world is. When she says the next line, the line about ‘if’, he feels his heart _ache_ like never before.

But that would be too much.

So, he finds a grin and tries to pay attention to the next question.

They’re supposed to be happy, after all.

They just won two Olympic gold medals, and they’re about to tour. Internationally even.

So, they’re happy, even though he feels like he’s dying.

He knows it’s going to end. It might not be now, or in a few months, but it will end. Eventually the interest will peter out, and they will become has beens, the old age of skating. Canada won’t forget them for a while, but time always erases the memory.

Because that’s how life is.

 

_There are no happy endings._

 

They don’t get the white picket fence. No marriage, no children, no beautiful amazing future. Or at least he can’t see that happening anytime soon. Rehearsals are fine, they always are, but it isn’t right.

Instead, there’s just silence, and a lot of it.

It’s not one of those comfortable silences, it’s choking and hard and uncomfortable and _why is it like this why are we like this this was never supposed to happen we were supposed to be we were supposed to be incredible._

_But we aren’t._

They may be Olympic champions, and the most decorated figure skaters of all time, but he wants to throw it out the window because that’s not what he wants.

What he wants is Tessa.

Of course, it’s Tessa.

And Tessa doesn’t want him.

He’s so sick for them doing this dance, where they pretend they’re fine and normal and lovely.

He loves to dance with her, and it makes him feel alive, but this? This? This is painful. This is worse than arsenic or breaking a limb or anything else he could possibly think of. There’s no antidote, and this is impossible.

_There are no happy endings._

 

What was he thinking?

If he would have known what he knows now, would he have done all this? Would he have done all those early practices, media coaching, time away from his family, not valuing his relationships, for this? For this pain and uncertainty and desperation?

The twisted part of him says he would.

It’s because he gets so caught up in her, in her presence and her aura and her just being _Tessa_.

She’s like an addictive like opiate, and he needs her, and the withdrawal is oh so painful.

But he takes it again.

And again.

And again.

So, he shouldn’t want to have done all this and repeat it, knowing what he knows now. He knows this will end, and it will end in _fire_ and _heartbreak._ There’s no way to end this easily, this he knows _._ Not when so much has been sacrificed and so much is at stake. They would either burn it down or build it up.

So, he would do it again.

_There are no happy endings._

 

He does do it again.

He agrees to all the interviews, the media events, touring with her even though he knows what’s going to happen. He’s going to continue to fall in love with her, and it will get easier, at least at first.

The dances will be nice, he’ll get to touch her, and hold her, and just hear her voice. Practicing will be good, and easy. He’ll see all his friends again, nice and relaxed without the competition vibe. Most importantly, it’ll remind him why he loves her, oh so much.

But right at the end, right when there’s only a few shows left, he’ll realize how complacent he’s gotten, and how he let this become his new normal. Then every dance will be painful, and harsh, and a reminder of the countdown until he doesn’t get to be with her again.

He’s moody and frustrated and he can’t do anything about it, because he knows what’s going to happen.

This isn’t a love story.

There is no life lesson, or moral, or satisfying conclusion.

It’s just frustration, and heartbreak, and _we could of had it all._

 

_There are no happy endings._

 

He doesn’t know what to do anymore, this in between stage, this purgatory. Living like this is impossible.

Then it ends.

There’s no more tour, no more press, and it’s done. He can retreat back to his apartment and be left _alone._ The cameras are gone, there’s no interviews to prep for, and he can just exist.

In misery.

 _That’s kind of dark_ he thinks, knowing how many people would love to be in his position. He’s a fucking Olympic champion, he’s attractive, and he can do pretty much whatever he wants.

But they don’t know what its like, to go from the top of the world to the bottom.

It feels like shattered glass, and dry sand.

It tastes like alcohol and cheap food.

It smells like an absence of perfume, and cigarettes.

It looks like empty gazes and empty places.

It sounds like silence, and songs that he knows too well on repeat.

_Moulin Rouge, Carmen, Mahler._

He can’t stop hearing them.

 

_There are no happy endings._

 

This is not a love story.

He wishes it was.

He wishes it was _every day_.

But it’s not.

_If only._

_If only._

He doesn’t know exactly what he’s wishing for, this isn’t a movie where the key fits and the lock turns or the princess wakes up or the letter arrives, or she shows up at his place in the pouring rain. This isn’t scripted, and there’s no set plot. If there was, he would have asked the director _what the hell is going o_ n. Maybe they could have explained it.

But, that’s not how life is, because life is unfair.

Still, he can’t expect much more from the universe. He has gotten so much over the years, it makes sense that karma takes it back eventually. It’s almost like fate.

Love is simple, and love is complicated.

Its unquantifiable, and he knows that because of Tessa.

He loves her so much, in so many ways, and in the end, it’s just painful.

That’s love.

There isn’t always a happy ending.

_If only._

_If only._

**Author's Note:**

> I might do something from Tessa's point of view, but we'll see. It depends on the response to this and if I feel like I need to vent. This was largely a vent fic, but I figured I might as well share it. Comments/kudos appreciated, thank you!


End file.
